Being Delighted To Be Queer
No one ever said it is easy being lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, transsexual, two-spirited, intersexed, queer and/or questioning (LGBTTTIQQ), or any other potential variation from our society’s sacred norm of heterosexuality. But it is time that more people spoke out about how wonderful and rewarding it can be, despite the prejudice that still surrounds these orientations today.
Queer people have a distinct advantage. We get to discover parts of life from outside of traditional programming. Arguably, straight people get to discover life for themselves just like anyone else too, but most often in the context of so many ‘shoulds’ ⎯ like having to have a girlfriend or boyfriend, needing to get married and have children, and so on.
Fortunately, even the heterosexuality majority is loosening up and more are feeling free to be asexual, non-married or childless if they so choose. Prescribing that everyone should live and love the same way is a terrible imposition.
For those of us who are attracted to the same gender, or both genders, or who feel like we are a different gender than we have the equipment for, or any other queer variation, these injunctions don’t act the same way on us. Instead, they present as prohibitions that have to be broken in order to be ourselves. Once you have broken the taboo against attraction to the same gender or both genders, or feeling like you are female when you are anatomically male, (or any other variation), then there is no more programming to follow.
In other words, society only teaches us not to be queer; it offers no guidance on how to be queer. And that is what we get to discover and develop for ourselves. How each of us happens to be queer, (or how queer each of us happens to be), and how we shall live our lives and how we shall love others, are entirely up to us.
Certainly there are examples within queer communities of people whom we may choose to follow, and perhaps we may also find a bit of peer pressure or community programming as to what a ‘real’ lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, transsexual, two-spirited, intersexed, queer or questioning person is ‘supposed’ to look like. In general, though, the straightjacket, if you will pardon the term, is not as tight as for our heterosexual counterparts.
The challenge for most queer people is ridding ourselves of ‘internalized oppression’. This is a fancy term for believing to any extent the lies and stereotypes that other people have propagated about us ⎯ around homosexuality, bisexuality, transgenderism, and all the other variations on queer. Feeling bad about ourselves as queer people, feeling bad about others who are queer, particularly the more visible members of our communities, and feeling ashamed of or diminished by our sexual orientation are all potential symptoms of hearing fake messages about queer people and letting them take hold in our own minds.
The bottom line is that there is nothing at all wrong with being lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, transsexual, two-spirited, intersexed, queer and/or questioning (LGBTTTIQQ), or any other variation. If that is who we are, there is in fact everything right about it. Every single human being on this planet has a right to feel good about themselves and who they happen to be. That is the essence of pride. The irony is that it is contagious, and meeting people who are absolutely delighted to be themselves is one of the best antidotes to internalized oppression.
What can we do if we find ourselves feeling bad about being queer, feeling like hiding our true orientation(s) or feeling that we are less than admirable, powerful and desirable to others because we are queer? The simplest answer is to finish the job. Each of us had to smash to smithereens the major injunctions we were brought up with against being queer in any way, shape or form. So we faced head-on who we really are and began to exercise our freedom to be ourselves. Then somewhere along the line we gave up working through the remaining psychological baggage and settled for being queer with a few misgivings. If we just spent a little time and worked our way through this tiny residual remnant of internalized oppression, each of us would be that much clearer about who we are, about our right to be exactly this way, and about being absolutely delighted with ourselves.
How each of us accomplishes this task is up to us. Some choose a therapist (but choose him or her well ⎯ it helps if they are thoroughly comfortable with themselves). Some join support groups surrounding their particular orientation or population groups (e.g. bisexual women, trans youth, gay fathers, etc.). Some join interest groups for sports, dancing, outdoors, music or other recreation. Some just live their lives openly and move through any fear that arises. Some create relationships with other queer people and build solid supportive lives around their partnerships. Others do it by themselves. It really doesn’t matter which method you choose.
One of the most rewarding ways of tackling internal feelings that were implanted by society is to learn how to work one-on-one or in a group with others who have been similarly trained, to trade attention for free and help each other work out our individual ‘remnants’ of social programming. Known as peer counselling, this can be a very satisfying form of close contact with others, and can generate a feeling of confidence in yourself even when you are most visible to another person. This method has in fact sustained and enriched me for the last quarter century, and I recommend it highly for many queer people.
So what is the bottom line? It is being absolutely happy to be you and delighted with others in our many queer communities, and for that matter with everyone else in the so-called straight world as well. Getting past our own traumas, demons and personal baggage around who we are sets the stage for our own lives being joyful, exciting and fulfilling, and it also sets the stage for others around us, queer and straight alike, to transcend their own programming and become truly free to be themselves as well.
Bruce M. Small, M.Sc.
Life Script Coach and Peer Counselling Trainer
Bruce M. Small, M.Sc.
Life Script Coach and Peer Counselling Trainer
21 Carlton St. (near College Subway)
Toronto ON M5B 1L3
(416)-274-1628
bruce@envirodesic.com
www.envirodesic.com/brucesmall
